God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize