After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
