What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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