My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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