i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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