I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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