I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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