you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
