GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
