The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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