You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
