I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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