He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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