people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It was confusing and full of hummus
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
