How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
