woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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