Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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