my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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