I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
