Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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