I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
