Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
