My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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