forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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