my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize