On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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