haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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