I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
