I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
