I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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