while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
