i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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