dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
