Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
