when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize