Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
