If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
