she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
