I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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