He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
