I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize