I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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