Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why did my mother make you get naked?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
