Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
