walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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