just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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