I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
