dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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