Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
