After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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