we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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