I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
