so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You ruined the universe
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
