Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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