HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
