Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
