Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
