cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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