She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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