Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
