ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want her autograph on my taint
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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