I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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